After the trip to Rome with m, I went back to life as I know it. Endless repetitions of weekdays and weekends, constantly longing for warmer and brighter days and more time.
On the 21th of November m and I had been together for three whole years. We spent the day rather unpretentiously in the company of my family and later in the company of the new James Bond movie. While m and I were living in a world of guns and fancy cars, a snowstorm raged through the country leaving it impossible for us to get home after the movie. Neither one of us were dressed for the weather. We spent hours walking from one bus stop to another until we finally decided to take the train. From the train station and to my apartment, the sidewalks hadn’t been cleared forcing us to walk in the middle of the road.
We walked for what felt like an eternity until a car pulled up beside us. A kindhearted man had seen us struggle through the many piles of snow. He scrolled down his window: “Do you want a ride?” the words were like music to my ears, I was absolutely grateful for his small gesture. Even though we were only about two-hundred meters from home, I couldn’t get myself to reject his kindness. The last two-hundred meters seemed nearly impossible to overcome at the time. Both of us were freezing and the cold weather made me grumpy.
In the beginning m was a bit grumpy too, however, unlike me, he somehow managed to overcome his grumpiness. When we were halfway home he began to cheer up. He started talking to me, throwing snowballs at me and giggling about my bad mood, which only made me even more grumpy. I snarled at him, almost yelled at him, to leave me alone – “How could he be so HAPPY when it was so god’damn COLD?!”. Unfortunately the cold always gets to me like this, I hate freezing. My mind goes blank and all I want to do is get home and curl up underneath the comfy duvet. Later I felt kind of bad about how I’d reacted, after all he only tried to turn the situation around.
Looking back I wish that I’d enjoyed this small adventure more. Despite the cold weather everything was quite beautiful. The city was silent that night, we saw only a few cars and we had the streets all by ourselves. Snow has a tendency to turn down the volume of everything, the sound of your footsteps become crisp but everything else becomes quieter – you almost feel like you have to whisper. The brightness the snow brings with it, even in the darkest of nights, makes everything seem almost dreamlike. If I’d just let myself slide into the mood of the cold, starry night – if I’d just grabbed the opportunity m provided me to make the situation better, it would’ve been easy for me to imagine that I was living in a fairy tale. A very rare feeling these days.
The night wasn’t ruined though, when we finally got home. Everything was okay again. We warmed each other underneath the duvet which I had longed for all night, we talked about the movie and the snowy adventure we just experienced and we kissed each other goodnight over and over again, as we slowly forgot how it felt like to be freezing.
In just a few months a lot has happened, and yet nothing has happened at all. As always, life has been busy. In the blink of an eye October became November – another blink – November turned into December, finally January has arrived and the year of 2015 is replaced by the year of 2016.
It’s past 2 AM and I can’t silent my mind. I have to try though. I need to sleep. I wish I could tell you all of the little stories, like this. But the holiday is almost over, and soon I need to readjust into the habit of once again counting the days until weekend. This post would be too long and I wouldn’t get any sleep at all.
Like always, I wish that I have more time; time to learn and time to create.
I had a good couple of weeks regarding my photography, but I haven’t got the time to finish my ’52 weeks project’ yet, as I wrote on Facebook: “Even though I’m not quite following the rules of the project, I’m determined on proceeding it. It’s more about growing in my photography and completing it than anything else, and I’m really looking forward to one day finishing what I’ve begun!”.
I can tell you, that I’ve been feeling quite light hearted and joyful lately. The inevitable truth is after all that there’ll always be bumps on the road, I think I’ve just learned to handle those bumps a bit better than I’ve handled them in the past.
This emptiness one sometimes feel haven’t been weighing me down as much as it has before and I, for once in my life, feel capable of controlling my feelings better. I’m not perfect and it’s still an ongoing process, like everything else, but I’ve come far.
I think what really helped me along, was the realization that joy is only to be found within. Something I knew already but never really lived by.
I’m responsible for my own happiness as well as you are responsible for yours, sometimes happiness is to be shared, like we do at Christmas eve or when we’re lying in bed telling stories to one another – most of the times happiness is something we have to create for ourselves. I couldn’t grab the happiness m tried to share with me, that freezing night of November, because I was too consumed by the unpleasant feeling of the cold. That’s something to think about.
Now 2015 is yet another collection of stories to tell. The year has passed so fast, and yet not fast at all – It’s like reading a good book, one page at a time, suddenly you find yourself at the very last page wondering how you could have read an entire story, lived a whole life, in the matter of just a few hours. The book of 2015 was a thick and heavy book with a wonderful story of personal battles, love, adventures and beauty. I’ve closed this book now, and I hope that the book of 2016 will be just as good… If not better.